Creating A Death Vigil Plan For The Days Before You Die
The term vigil is rooted in the Latin word for awake. When we speak of vigils around deathbeds, the term can refer to those who stay “awake” and hold space and presence for someone who is dying. For some, a vigil encompasses a set amount of time after they die so that caregivers or loved ones have a chance to wash and prepare the body for whatever the next steps are for body preparation, the funeral, burial/cremation, and so on. Vigil plans are ideally created by the dying person and included in any existing End of Life plans.
In addition to honoring end-of-life wishes, a vigil plan serves as a blueprint of sorts, helping others learn how to be present in a way that supports your well-being as well as the well-being of anyone else who’s present.Questions To Think About As You Plan Your Death Vigil Plan
One of the most special benefits of choosing hospice care in your home or a hospice house is that you can create a vigil plan that honors your sense of the sacred, the peaceful, the loving, and the meaningful. For some, vigils are very quiet, tender, and reflective, while others may have a vigil that’s quite boisterous and full of visits from family members and friends. Most of us choose to die how we lived – and our vigil plans often reflect that. One more thing worth pointing out is that we’ve repeatedly seen how a client’s vigil plan helped to completely reframe how witnesses and participants view death – making dying feel more natural, sacred, and even beautiful.When Does The Vigil Begin?
The vigil may begin weeks or days before someone dies, depending on the trajectory of their death. Typically, you, your hospice provider, or your primary caregiver(s) recognize signs that you’re moving from a general condition-related winding down to what we call transition or the active dying process. For most, that active dying phase doesn’t last more than a handful of days. The vigil plans commence when those signs are recognized and may begin with calling your closest family and friends to let them know “it’s time.” Here are some of the most common things addressed in a person’s vigil plan, but ultimately they should reflect the wishes of the person who is dying.When creating a death vigil plan don’t forget the ambiance and atmosphere
Things slow down once someone dies, so most people desire to be surrounded by beauty, comfort, and peace. Or to have access to these things as much as possible. Deathbed ambiance becomes a priority. If certain things aren’t already in place, your vigil plan may consider things like:- The pictures/art/visuals you want around you.
- What about fresh flowers every day or a few living plants?
- Where you want your bed located (we’ve had clients who wanted to be outside as they died rather than indoors or want their beds moved closer to an open window if weather permits it).
- Is there a music playlist you’d like to have played in the background? Or
- Are there specific smells we can surround you with via essential oils?
- Would you prefer soft lighting, candles (battery votives/pillars work well if open flames aren’t safe or when oxygen tanks are present), a colored light bulb, or a colorful silk over a lampshade at night?
- Would you like medical equipment to be kept away from the space unless necessary to keep it more ambient?
What would you like people to know while visiting you?
Your vigil plans also help those who come to visit you feel more comfortable. Many people have the feeling, “I don’t know what to do or say…” So, you can let them know things like:- Please feel free to take my hand.
- Please don’t touch my face, feet, etc.
- If my dog/cat is waiting by the door, invite them up onto my bed.
- I’d love to be read to from any of the books on my bedstand.
- I’m interested in hearing your favorite memory of me or our time together.
- Don’t be afraid to laugh or find humor along with the tears and sadness.
- You’re welcome to say nothing at all. Just match your breath to mine and be with me.
- Do not shut children out of my room; I’d love for them to visit me, read me a story, share their lovey, or play quietly on the floor by my bed or hang their art where I can see it; OR, please let children come and give me a kiss on the hand but don’t let them play on my bed or in the room if I’m sleeping.
Who do you want to be present if possible (who do you not want present)?
These are both important. If you have family members or loved ones who make you feel more anxious than peaceful, your vigil may not be the place for them. In that case, we recommend having them come to say goodbye (if that’s your wish) before you’re actively dying. If you’d like, perhaps they can write something that someone else can read to you during the vigil so they can be present with you that way. You can also make other requests that make sense, like:- Please don’t allow Persons X and Y to visit together. I’d rather have them visit separately.
- Topics X, Y, and Z are off-limits at my bedside and in the home/space while I’m dying.
- I’d like Person X to be present if Person Y is here (with the idea that Person X knows how to hold the comfort/behavior boundaries with Person Y).