Are Your Emotions Hindering A Loved One’s Dying Process?
Being fully present and honoring the dying person is one of the most invaluable gifts we can give to those we love. However, all too often, our own emotions get in the way, preventing loved ones from having the unconditional support they need to engage in their own dying and death process fully.
Your Emotions Can Negatively Impact A Loved One’s Dying Process
Your hospice team is there to educate, instruct, and guide you – and to bring a wellspring of support – to your loved one’s bedside. This is why enlisting hospice sooner rather than later is always better. When a spouse or well-meaning family members aren’t able to step back and give their dying loved one the space they need (or when they overcrowd the bedside with their own needs), it negatively impacts the person’s dying process.Ways Your Denial, Anger, Sadness, Or Grief Hurts More Than Helps
The months and weeks leading up to a person’s death are overflowing with intense emotions and this is absolutely normal. Some of the most common emotions sparked by dying and grief are denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and grief. When you unconsciously express powerful emotions when a loved one is dying without respect for their experience or needs, you may contribute to things that hinder them from being able to:- Accept that they’re dying.
- Talk about their death or process their emotions around dying.
- Express their wishes or create their end-of-life plans.
- Have important conversations around things they need to forgive or take accountability for.
- Be present at their own death (because they’re so busy taking care of your emotional needs).
- Die in comfort because they’re constantly interrupted, forced to eat (more on that later), or made to feel as if they’re failing rather than surrendering to a normal part of the life cycle.
They don’t have a chance to accept they’re dying
Imagine knowing something about yourself, or at least having a strong suspicion, but then having it denied by everyone around you. It’s a very lonely place, and it’s a place that many dying people find themselves in when their partners, children, loved ones – and even clinicians – won’t be honest about the fact they’re dying. In his book Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity & Soul, famous culture activist, worker, and author Stephen Jenkinson writes, “We know without wanting to know it that knowing we could be dying somehow begins our dying.” The opposite is also true; not being allowed to know it or being blocked from the multifaceted acknowledgment that we’re now, officially, commencing the death journey keeps us from the meaningful unwinding process that inevitably begins when we’re able to fully acknowledge and surrender to our death. Expressing emotions honestly, but also supporting loved ones as they accept that this is their physical end, is one of the most profound things we can do. It also begins our own “learning” of what it means to die.They can’t talk about their death or process the resulting emotions
Similarly, someone who isn’t allowed to spend time accepting that this diagnosis, ruthless pursuit of ineffective treatments, or combination of symptoms signifies the official waning of their physical life isn’t able to talk about their death. If you can’t talk about your death, you are burdened with walking a very inward, solo journey OR not having the chance to process what it is you need to process, discuss, or work out for more peace of mind and spirit when you die.They can’t create meaningful end-of-life plans
Some of the most common things loved ones say that shut down a person’s death process are:- Don’t give up yet- there’s still hope.
- Let’s not talk about that now; we can talk about that later.
- You’re not dying yet, so just relax and don’t worry about that.
- You’re not dying. You still have plenty of good years left.
They can’t seek or offer forgiveness or make amends
Dying is a clarifying process. There may be physical suffering due to whatever disease or condition brought you there, but it brings things into clear focus. To die with a clear heart, spirit, and mind, we need time and space to perform a life review. This happens when we’re dying and helps to create a more peaceful, active dying experience. During this process, people who are dying like to have important conversations with loved ones, and their loved ones deserve the chance to have meaningful conversations with them. Depending on the situation, the dying person may want support from a therapist or spiritual counselor, especially if amends need to be made in either direction with someone who is dead or no longer in the picture. We see over and over again how clients who have the space and time to do this deep work in the years or months/weeks leading up to their death die more peacefully and with greater physical ease.Spend more time taking care of others’ needs than their own
As hospice professionals, we learn to keep our emotions in check. Do we feel sad, tender, and moved in our patients’ homes or places of residence? Absolutely. Do we get choked up or teary-eyed depending on the situation? Yes. But we don’t weep so uncontrollably that our clients and their families must comfort us. We are there to support y’all! Healthy, balanced emotional expression is always welcome from a dying person’s loved ones. However, if those emotions overshadow the dying person’s experience or hinder their need to express their feelings, it’s a problem. Pay attention to your feelings and how they impact the dying person. If it seems like your feelings are overshadowing theirs, or they’re no longer able to share their own experience because they’re afraid of upsetting you, it’s time to seek help from the hospice team to get the support you need.They die with more discomfort and distress
Finally and most tragically, if your family’s emotions and needs eclipse your loved one’s dying process, they die with more discomfort and distress. That’s the exact opposite of what you want for them, right? Here are examples of how that happens beyond what we’ve shared above.- They don’t have hospice care in enough time to keep their pain or discomfort in check (are you the one resisting hospice support, or are they?)
- They don’t have access to palliative care in their last six months (or more) of life, which adds considerable quality of life for most clients.
- People insist on feeding them or coercing them to eat when they no longer have an appetite (this causes considerable physical distress if their body can no longer digest food).
- They have guilt about the toll their increasing care needs take on their partner/family because they don’t have access to respite care and other services provided by the hospice team and volunteers.