End Of Life Tips: Creating Your Death Care Community
A death care community is one that you can lean on and trust to support and honor your medical and end-of-life choices, despite their personal feelings or opinions. In most cases, the people our clients select to honor their choices are a combination of people they know closely and professional healthcare providers or caregivers they’ve aligned with along the way.
Regardless of who you choose for your death care community, as hospice care providers, we know first-hand that those who have ample support from others have the smoothest and most meaningful experiences leading up to and during their active deaths.Death Care Community Defined
You don’t often hear about the term death care community, but it’s time to coin the phrase. In the “old days,” community death care was a given because birth, life, and death were always braided together as part of the daily reality. Community death care inherently included the person’s local family doctor, pharmacist, or herbalist and—very often—their closest female family members and friends. Clergy were involved, as were any compassionate or helpful neighbors and friends who found ways to support the needs of the family and household. Today, death care communities are more intentionally assembled because death has been so far removed from – and even shunned – by mainstream culture. The phrase “community death care” casts a wide net, but the concept is universal. We appreciate the definition of community death care from endly.co: Community deathcare is a holistic approach to end-of-life planning, focusing on personal and spiritual aspects rather than the sterile, medical model. This approach views death as a natural and meaningful part of life, promoting dignity and choice over longevity….[and] creates a compassionate, personalized environment, allowing individuals to experience their final days on their own terms, prioritizing comfort and personal significance. Today, we’d like to focus more on how to create that community, collaboratively developing and sharing connections and resources so that everyone is prepared to move forward when it’s time to implement your thoughtful plans.Ideas For Forming A Supportive End-of-Life Care Community
Most people assume their family and closest friends will be their greatest supporters at the end of their lives, but this isn’t always the case. Depending on your history, differences in values or opinions, and various personality traits, close loved ones can have the hardest time honoring your advanced medical directives and end-of-life plans when making tough decisions. Thinking ahead and choosing specific people to collaborate with and support you at the end of your life provides significant peace of mind and can also be a tremendous gift to your spouse, partner, and closest loved ones. With others guiding the helm or at least buffering the rough edges, those who love you most can be more present with you while knowing your needs—and theirs—are taken care of. We recommend reading our post, Who Are the Members of Your Death Care Community, to learn more about who to consider and talk to as you begin thinking about and creating your own death care team and community. Here are some ideas to get you started.Talk to local hospice care providers
Hospice care providers are passionate about what we do, and our resources are just as much for the living as they are for the dying. We know that a death-educated and informed community makes better and more personalized choices when it comes to their own end-of-life. This makes for more meaningful days and lifestyles – as well as more comfortable and connected deathbeds. Most people wait far too long before contacting local hospice care providers. We’d love to flip this script and have people learn more about us and what we offer when they’re perfectly well. This allows them space and time to begin thinking about which hospice care provider they’d want to call when their time finally arrives. Your local hospice providers are also the most likely to know of other end-of-life care providers and resources in the area, which you can reach out to as you continue building your end-of-life resources.Check hospice providers’ events page
Most hospice care providers offer free educational and informational events monthly or seasonal, including grief support groups. These events are a gentle way to open the door to face our own deaths – and the deaths of those we love – while also connecting you with others who want to find people they can talk to and share about the tender and natural realm of dying, death, and loss.Death doulas
We’re always amazed at the many similarities between the beginning and end of life. Just as birth doulas support mothers as they deliver their newborns into the world, certified end-of-life doulas (EOLDs) work with individuals and families to provide heart-centered end-of-life education, resources, and support. Having a death doula’s support provides a very personalized experience when it comes to all aspects of end-of-life, from education and planning to actual support at the bedside when you’re actively dying. We recommend visiting the National End of Life Doula Alliance (NEDA) website to learn more about doulas, how they service death care communities, and how to find one near you.Community death cafes & other end-of-life discussions
You may have heard of Death Cafes, where people come together to discuss, learn, and share resources about all things related to death and dying. While they aren’t actual cafes (although a group might be hosted at a cafe), Death Cafes usually take place in public locations and are open to all. These events, and others like them, are usually hosted for free and facilitated by those interested in fostering healthy death care communities in their area. Visit the Death Cafe website to search for a Death Cafe event near you or to participate in a virtual Death Cafe event. You may also want to look for informational events hosted by estate planning attorneys, funeral homes, and other local businesses that offer services related to the end-of-life realm.Spouse, partner, family and friends
The key here is that in order to be part of your hands-on death care community, your spouse/partner, family, and friends:- Must be comfortable when openly talking about your death and what you want afterward.
- Should be asked about and verbally confirm their commitment to being part of your end-of-life care community.
- Have access to your medical advanced directive and end-of-life plan and wholeheartedly agree to uphold your choices and decisions – even if they don’t agree or understand them.
- Should have the inner clarity and strength to advocate for your wishes and choices, even when they go against your family’s wishes – or when experiencing pushback from family/loved ones.
- Have an interest in attending any Death Cafes, meetings with hospice care providers, or other events where they can be present with you and be part of the end-of-life conversation along the way.